The Journey Within

Recently, my job has taken me to unfamiliar environments. It feels unfamiliar because everything is outside my comfort zone. Before accepting the job, I thought it might be a challenge to take it on. Now and again, I come to think that I might have bitten off more than I can chew. The frequency of this thought is increasing with each passing day.

While talking about this with colleagues and friends, I have been thinking hard if it’s the job that’s the problem. Ok, there’s plenty of work. That’s just a matter of managing it. The people around are ok, the normal office crowd. I think the more fundamental problem is the weak internal processes, which everyone is trying to fight on a daily basis. Correcting the internal processes takes a lower priority than doing a quick fix. That is why all these problems are surfacing at this point, after more than a decade in business!! The high staff turnover is quite likely due to the eruption of problems which have been simmering over the decade. Now that the stew is ready, the problems decide to leave the pot.

There’s two ways to look at this. A lot of problems means plenty of opportunities – the positive attitude. The negative part of me will say “there’s too many problems to be solved alone”. Of course, I don’t have to solve it alone, but the 2 sides remain, whether to stay and fight, or to stray and take flight.

Ultimately, the conflict lies in my perspective.

Should I just choose a view and stick to it? Whether or not it’s positive or negative, it’s still a view, and I can stop moaning to you about it. Or is there a third way? One that bypasses these 2 views altogether, making them irrelevant?

The question was not as easy as I thought, because the rebel in me would always want a third way, an elegant solution where problems would just fall on way’s side with a master’s stroke – the mathematician inside me likes the beauty in elegant solutions.

So, let’s phrased the question in a different way. What if I decide to start a family? Will my decision change then? Will I still be looking for a third way? Or will I just fight on because I don’t have time to think about these problems and search for the elegant solution?

Phrasing the initial question differently does not solve the problem. But it does focus your efforts on what really is important. I think there’s a bit of fire in me that think life is so much more than worrying about whether or not this is my fight. I say “a bit of fire” because i feel the flame is getting smaller by the day. The conflict in me is feeding on the fire, and I’ll need to refuel it often just to keep up.

Wouldn’t it be nice if the fire can just be let burn without adding fuel to it?

Could that be the elegant solution I’m looking for? Could that be the solution to so much of our problems? By looking for an open space where fire can be fire and burn as brightly as it’s supposed to burn? By looking for an environment where I can be who I am and let me flourish? It sounds like i’ve just stumbled upon the solution!

Now, all I need is to hunt for this open space, or create this open space myself. Ideas welcomed.

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Reason #1 – Dog collar

I have a dog collar around my neck, holding my identity just in case I get lost in the streets. It also allows me to get inside my master’s building. I was told it was for “security” reasons. It’s for my own protection.

Reason #2 – Performing tricks Continue reading »

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It has been a tiring first week. I’ve been leaving the office around 8pm. It’s a far cry from my 9 to 5 job previously. My wife is complaining about the lack of wife time. I’ve been struggling to understand what exactly is it i’m trying to do in the office. I seem to be busy all day, and yet I don’t feel i’m achieving very much. My actual work starts before 9am and after 6pm. Between those times, i spent most of my time fighting fire erupting at various time of the day – meetings, knowing people, making sure we are able to meet our deadlines… Plus, I forgot about an outlet that is blogging.

So what’s all this fire i’m suppose to fight? If the fire occurs that often, maybe I should just leave it and let it burn down the whole establishment so that we can start afresh. If the fire occurs that often, there must be something fundamentally wrong, right? But no one seems to care about solving them. I guess fire fighting is easier than preventing the fire in the first place. Maybe allowing it to burn and spread until it dies may not be such a far fetch idea after all! Because from ashes, we can then start to build fire resistant walls…

Maybe you can help me out here. Is there a way to actually empower people to fight the small fire themselves so that it doesn’t become a large scale deforestation? The existing top down approach is not helping everyone to help themselves. Task list set up are decided from the top and being distributed as the top sees fit. You can imagine why there’s no motivation to actually kill the fire in front of you, because oil will just come pouring down from above. A carrot and stick approach will not work either, because the top is too stingy with the carrot, but they are very liberal with the stick. So liberal that most of the time spent is waving the stick in front of everyone.

One word – demoralising.

I believe this is inherent in a lot of companies, be it big or small. The magnitude might be different, but the underlying problems are the same. To add salt to the wound, they use words like “be positive”, “empowerment”, “it’s all about you”, which are totally inconsistent with the actions taken.

So, have you come across this in your work place? Have you come across a workable solution? Please do share.

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The car stereo, with other people’s music. The construction site. The neighbour’s renovation, especially if he’s a DIY freak. The office photocopier (although they’re much quieter now). The fax machine (does anyone still use that?). The incessant loud chatting when you’re trying to do your work. The midnight snore of your partner. The child screaming at top of her voice wanting that toy the mum just refuses to buy. The crying baby in the bus when you’re trying to sleep.

These are the common “noise” that we have to deal with on a daily basis, not all at once thankfully! The day I realised I got used to it was when I was in a local library. I couldn’t read at home because of the constant distractions (the bed, the kitchen… er… those were the main ones…), that i made myself go to the library and sat there on a Saturday afternoon so that i finish the book i’m reading. I still got distracted.

So instead of the book, i started noticing things around me. The library is suppose to be a quiet place, and it did appear that way, until I realised I have internalised some sounds. They are so common that I don’t even realise it was there! There was the constant beep from people borrowing books (the RFID scanning mechanism), confirming that they have succesfully borrowed the book; the kids section (need i say more?); the information section where people were asking questions; the bank of computers where people congregate to “discuss” how to find what they’re looking for…

How much of internalisation can we get used to? What’s the level of noise can we cope before saying “enough is enough”?

The funny thing about noise is that we can increase the level of tolerance to it. Imagine what it’s like to be the person who have to face the noise on a daily basis. The construction worker, the floor tile driller, the band player… We find those noise enormously annoying, but to them, it’s just normal. It sounds like all we have to do is to shift our perspective a bit to realise that the noise is only annoying to us because we don’t face it everyday.

Casting the net wider, the word “noise” can be used to mean more than the audible spectrum of it. It’s the unwanted portion of information that’s dumped to us on a daily basis. The leaflets you get on the street which you just throw in the nearest bin, the advertisements you see on the train / bus / road / television, the newspaper you read (they are full of crap, but crap to me may not mean crap to you). Again, we have internalised all these because we face it everyday, just like the band player with his trumpet – to him, it’s music.

So, lets pose the question again. Are we going to just accept that we will internalise the noise? Or are we going to do something about this?

I believe understanding the source of the noise is key to this question. Why did the noise occur in the first place? I believe understanding the source normally places us in a more calming role. By listening to it, we know why it occurs and can take positive action to it, rather than reacting to the noise. If I know that all that drilling is to mend a burst pipe, I probably won’t be too worked up about it. If i’m going to attend the neighbour’s band performance this weekend, I probably will feel very supportive if he’s practising his trumpet daily. If I know the newspaper is 90% crap, I won’t buy it.

So, listen to the noise and work from within yourself – you are the only person that you truly control.

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It seems obligatory to write something about world cup during this time. I don’t watch it in the previous years, but after seeing the Argentinian Harmony, I was absolutely hooked. I enjoyed the individual skills, the team spirit, and how all those blend together.

I used to find it hilarious when football fans criticise the game they are watching. It doesn’t matter whether they are supporting the team, but they always have something to say. “Bad referee”, “should have been a penalty!” “why didn’t they send out Messi” “i would have sent that ball straight into the goal..” Most of these comments come from those who don’t even play football!

I used to think that these people ought to just go out and play football, and appreciate the game for what it really is, rather than doing verbal (and sometimes physical!) abuse among themselves. I said “I used to” because i realised I’ve been doing the same in a different realm – movies.

I didn’t use to say someone’s acting is good, but I do like to watch movies. I like to see different stories, and how it’s portrayed through the actors. I always wonder why the so called “critics” always judge the acting of certain actresses using words like “bland”, “uninspiring” etc when all i focused on was the visual and storytelling, until one day, i caught myself doing the same as the critics do… I thought Iain McKellen was good in Da Vinci Code.

So why do we do it? Why judge when we don’t even know it? Are we just conditioned to judge people regardless of our own abilities? Are we just conditioned to make judgement, period?

I wish there is a simple answer to this, but I just find that we are quick to judge someone unconciously. Football (or movies) only brings out the more obvious judgements. The subtle ones are the ones similar to when we meet someone for the first time. We judge the person’s physical appearance, or the way they talk, the way they act etc. And yet when it comes to ourselves, we reserve judgement. The judgement process seems to come to a screeching halt.

Where did the brakes come from? What are we afraid of that makes us afraid to do a critical analysis of ourselves?

I believe it’s a wall of defense built up from previous experience. Judging ourselves normally means be true to ourselves. It normally implies bringing out the negative in you so that you know what you need to improve on. It’s depressing to find fault about yourselves and work from there. I believe the better way would be to make positive judgement of ourselves, and use that to improve on our negatives. I’ll share a quote with you from a book i’ve recently read – Creative Company (or Open Minds) by Andy Law.

“The only real enemy was how we used to be.”

Enjoy the finale that is world cup 2006! Italy v France, i’m not sure if i can still be up at 2 in the morning.

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I guess the theory could easily apply to cubicles for the ladies…

Which urinal/cubicle will you choose when going into a public toilet? Will it be the closest to you? Somewhere in the middle? Or somewhere further? What criteria did you use to make your choice? No criteria? Cleanest? Nearest because you just had to pee? One with toilet paper?

Continue reading »

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On replying wujimon’s comment in my previous article, it became longer than expected. I thought I write it in a post on its own.

To say it’s my first private tai ji lesson might not be entirely true, as I have come across several teachers over the years. None of those extended beyond anything more permanent. This is the first time I am able to commit to a teacher, or to be more accurate, this is the first time that an opportunity presented itself in the form of a teacher just for me!

The class started off with some of the standard questions – how long you’ve been doing tai ji, what style, what teacher etc. Then, it’s “show me your tai ji”. I was a bit nervous as I haven’t had ONE pair of eyes staring only at me. It was 6 in the morning. There weren’t many other people to distract him.

I did Chen Lao Jia Yi Lu. I was trying hard to show my best, but because of that, my mind just couldn’t relax to let it flow. Nothing was connecting. And then the leg got wobbly because of lack of concentration. And then I forgot a move. Imagine that…

I eventually stopped half-way and just asked him “how was it”.

“You look a bit nervous…”

*feeble smile* (You’re damn right…)

Because of the many corrections required, he suggested that I start afresh with a new style and stick to it. This does have the advantage of not requiring me to unlearn all my previous bad habits, plus it’s something new to learn, which is always nice in itself. And there it goes, my first lesson in Sun style tai ji.

I picked up the general form quite easily due to the similarities with the other styles. One thing which required a bit of adjustment is the leg movement. It features quite a mobile base. I’m sure I will write more about this in time.

After all the “hard work”, we started chatting. I asked him about his training previously. It was 3 hours in the morning, 3 hours at night. Mental note – I’m not doing enough, not even close! I asked him about standing poles vs form training. He trained mostly in forms. He said standing poles are good, but don’t do too long. It gives a good root, but may lead you to having “dead weight”, i.e. the feet may become accustom to one posture and will not be as nimble. He told me to focus on doing the form, and making sure each movement is well rooted. That’s as much as I can remember from the lesson.

It feels good to be part of a class again. Gets me focused on training and won’t stray too far off from getting the basics correct rather than cultivating another set of bad habits.

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Boots, check. Keys, check. Courage, erm.. check. And there I go for my first inline skating experience. My wife was beside me (just in case!). She helped me to stand on the wheels, which was a feat on its own! And then, let go while i try to make a straight line towards the end of the car park level – I was at a multi-storey carpark.

Ok, it wasn’t too bad. I managed to get there without falling over. But I just couldn’t turn back. So I “walked” myself to make a U turn. It was a wobbly experience. So, without figuring out how to turn, I did another length of the carpark. I didn’t need to brake, as I wasn’t going fast enough, either that or there’s a wall that can stop me at the end of the carpark level. A few rounds of those and I still couldn’t turn. That didn’t bother me too much as I was more interested in making my straight line. Then only I realised I was looking down all the while! So I looked up, and then the straight line seemed much easier.

After about half an hour, my ankle wasn’t feeling all that strong as it was shifting uncomfortably from left to right. So i decided to call it quits.

2 days later, I did my first formal private lesson in tai ji. It was a tiring experience as I found out how weak my leg strength was, again. But this time, going for lessons somehow focus the intention, the intention to do better. Let’s see where this goes…

And the next day, my first day at the office. I can’t officially start work yet but because it’s a planning session, it’s probably good that I was there to witness them. Let’s see where this goes as well…

And it’s already July, half-way through the year 2006. I got a few firsts in the middle of the year. Maybe, making more firsts will be my 2006 2nd half resolution. It’s quite refreshing starting new things. In fact, I’ve just reorganised my wardrobe. With a bit of creative thinking, I was able to put more clothes in a drawer and make my clothes more easily accessible – a vertical arrangement of clothes in drawers. It looks more like CD collection now, stacked side by side with each CD resting on its thinnest side.

Have a few firsts once in a while. Let’s make the new half-year better than the previous half-year. Happy new half-year!

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