Rules of engagement
by Shang Lee
I was enjoying myself in a push hand exercise but my training partner was intent on uprooting me!
I asked: “Why push me all the way?”
He said: “In order to win in a push hand contest, I have to make at least one of your foot leave the ground to score a point.”
“But I’m not in contest with you?!”
“You have to be, because that’s how you will win!”
“I’m not trying to win! I’m trying to learn…”
“But every game has its rules of engagement. In push hands, that’s the rule of engagement, to win.”
At which point I realised that my rules of engagement were different to his!
It’s quite liberating to remind myself why I do push hands in the first place. I’m trying to learn sensitivity, I’m trying to learn to relax, and above all, I’m trying to enjoy myself. Those are my rules of engagement. Facing an opponent like him, I’ve actually learnt more because of his different rules of engagement.
It might be a good thing to clarify the rules of engagement before you actually engage a person. But that defies the Rule of Diversity. The Rule of Diversity dictates that you’ll have to train with different people, so that you will actually meet people with different rules of engagement!
That, brings us back to why we have to understand that different people will have different hands. 
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its a question of “pushing to win” or “pushing to learn” as i mentioned here (http://taijistagmont.wordpress.com/2007/02/01/principles-of-push-hands-learning-ii/) – students and teacher should normally push to learn and if the lessons are learned well can try pushing to win. otherwise, this type of pushing to win all the win can be counterproductive and gives one bad habits. that’s why i don’t like to push hands with strangers because i know their agenda will tend to be pushing to win. if i win they’ll say “but you use strength”. if i lose then they’ll say “your methods suck”. so moral of the lesson if must push then go all out and push to win. excuses for not winning are for losers. as john wang on emptyflower said before be prepared to lose a friend once you try your techniques on them and make them lose
Thanks for the comment zms. I’ve actually thought hard about this question, but ultimately I don’t like the “feeling” of winning through the non-taiji way. Hopefully, i can learn to make winning inevitable as a result of true skills, rather than winning because I need to win.