I recently attended a “leadership” course, where you’re asked to play games in a group setting to demonstrate your leadership, or the lack of it, in a controlled environment. We navigated a small island with a “hot-from-the-oven” navigation skills and a 20-years-old topographical map.
I actually enjoyed the navigation part as it brought me out to the great outdoors. Disappointed in a way because the great outdoors had too much man-made structures that reminded me of the great indoors…
Anyway, at the end of the session, we had to provide feedback to one another about how each of us fared in our leadership abilities. I wrote down my feedback for others quite quickly but when giving it to the actual person, there was actually some fear. I only wrote down what I intend to say to the person because as the instructor said, feedback comes from the heart. It’s something you want others to hear, both the good and bad.
I still wanted to say what I wrote, without a doubt, but I was surprised by the fear when actually delivering it. Then I read a book about teaching (by Parker Palmer) which made me realised what’s going on.
When giving feedback, we need to ask ourselves if the other person can take what we are trying to say. We need to ask ourselves if our relationship with the other person is strong enough for both of us to be comfortable to share what will be said. I believe the answer to this question is a resounding no, after a 3-hours trip on an island.
It takes time to build that level of trust.
The push hands class that I go to regularly is trying to build that level of trust. Every time we push with each other, we are trying to learn about one another based on each other’s feedback. The feedback comes slowly as time passes, as we learn more about our opponents and more importantly, more about ourselves. Slowly, we began to share our experiences and tell each other where did we go wrong and how to improve. We then experiment with different techniques or try to work out a good strategy to avoid or make the best out of a bad position.
Truth seems to have the connotation of always being painful. I think if we link with one another with trust first, the truth will be less painful and more fruitful. We need to trust our teachers first before we can learn from our teachers. This is where real learning begins, and then our teachers will seem to appear out of nowhere, and in abundance.
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