The Journey Within

It’s strange that I don’t feel the urge to set new year resolutions now when a lot of my friends are telling me their new year’s resolution. Some are busy with their performance appraisals and setting objectives for the new year. Some are buying new books to read or reading a book that has been sitting on the coffee table for the past year. They are looking for inspirations on what they should be focusing on next year. More people are in a reflective mood at this time of the year. Maybe it’s because of  the holidays. Maybe there’s just nothing to do after a sumptous christmas dinner.

It is good that we take stock of what has happened, and make a note of what we want to happen in the coming year. After all, I’m spending a lot of time dedicating this blog to such reflections! I have done new year resolutions before. I used to be in this mode at the end of the calendar year. It seems like we are all governed by the same movements of the sun and the moon. We are all connected by time.

What I find different this time for me is that I don’t follow the normal calendar any longer. I don’t view January as the start of a new year that I should have new year’s resolution. My reflective space seems to have enlarged to transcend the passage of time. I’m reflective most of the time now. I think it works. I think reflection is key to working smart.

So while others are setting new year resolutions, I seem to be seeing my resolutions everyday, and tweaking my resolutions as I learn more about myself. It’s a 2 way interaction, and it makes the resolution more alive rather than it being a manifesto pinned to the cork board on January 1st, every year.

I would urge you while you set your resolutions, you put a monitoring plan in place as well. Say a weekly review. To see what have you done that week that has brought you one step closer to achieving your resolutions. Do you need to change your actions? Do you need to amend your resolutions? Monitor yourself closely, and your resolutions will always be kept fresh and alive.

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Ever since saying goodbye to my day job, i find it difficult to shut the chatter in the mind. It seems to be still buzzing with plenty of noise, noise that isn’t necessarily helpful to my purpose of journeying within. I guess this constant chatter is part of the sights when you journey within. It’s not something you can take your eyes off when you’re journeying within.

The landscape in any journey within can vary according to your purpose. But largely, it depends on what you want to see. I feel like my old self is still calling out to me, asking me to get a real job. It seems like I haven’t properly killed my old self yet.

The reason for my own journey within is to find out what I really want to do. To find out how can I really contribute to this world. And to be financially free in doing so.

It has taken a lot of grinding, a lot of temper, a lot of stop starts. Ultimately, it means that I have to grind the old mind to a halt so that I can step off the track and take a new train on another track. The brakes are not working too well. I know I am slowing down. I know the mind is trying to do a U turn. But I seem to be still trying to reach the bottom of the ‘U’.

What i find is this.

There are several roles that I want to be. I want to be a writer. I want to be a runner. I want to be good in Tai Ji. I want to be an enabler. I want to be financially independent. I want to be a thinker. I want to be able to hike mountains frequently. I thought hard about what is the common theme among all these roles. I came to this conclusion.

I want to see and help others to see.

I recategorise these roles into “learning to see better“, “process what I see” and “communicate what I see“. The result is a Venn diagram that looked something like this…

Red – learning to see better | Green – process what I see | Blue – communicate what I see

Being financially independent seems to grease all the other parts, so it came as no surprise that it appeared in the middle of the Venn diagram. I did find being artist interesting, as I have never thought that it has so much impact on what I plan to do, i.e. to see better and help others to see as well. I was actually debating whether to include being a writer in the middle, as it does help me learn to see better, but not in a direct way as drawing does.

So, it seems only logical that if I were to maximise the use of my time, I should focus on the bit in the middle before branching out to the sides. But I do like the sides. I’ve spent a lot of time doing Tai Ji, and a lot of time writing. Not enough time is spent being an artist or being financially independent. Based on this, I can see now that I need to refocus my efforts on the middle one. Drawing will take a steep learning curve for me, so I can cheat a bit and say that writing achieves the same effect. I do intend to be an artist at some point.

The thing is, I am realistic about my abilities. I am not talented to the extent of the intuitive people out there. I just want to be “good enough” which has quite a vague definition. But I believe I will know it when I get there. It’s the drive that makes us alive rather than reaching there isn’t it?

This is from my own journal, but when I see the process I went through, I thought it might be useful for you to search for your own roles, and to see the common theme among your roles, so that you can focus on the role that gives you the maximum impact among all. I will still perform the other roles, but the time spent would be less than the core roles which transcends all areas of focus. So…

1. list out your roles that you want to be
2. find the common theme
3. use a Venn diagram if it helps (you might only have 2 circles or 4 or more, it’s up to you and your purpose)
4. be ready to be surprised, and if you’re not, you have already journeyed deep within yourself, more than you have realised.

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I was initially intrigued by Leo’s suggestion of reading slower to be more productive. I am a slow reader.  I can be so slow that I can fall asleep reading, which is a great activity at night. For someone else to suggest that reading slower is actually better is such a comforting thought, until I saw a reader’s counter argument. Then I remember why I try to learn reading faster in the first place.

The tension between reading faster and reading slower has always been a part of me whenever I read. On the one hand, i would like to read faster so that I can read a lot more in less time. On the other, I lose out on comprehension, making me skim through a lot of things that I read without fully enjoying and appreaciating what was being written.

I now follow a technique from Photoreading where I skim through the articles, reading the last paragraph first normally, and reading the first paragraph second, while taking a “snapshot” of everything in between. Then I’ll decide if it’s worth reading the whole article. The logic is that the brain tends to process things that it has seen before at a much faster rate, something to do with familiarity, like seeing an advertisement over and over again. Of course, Google Reader helped. It allows me to scroll through a lot of articles in a much faster rate compared to going from websites to websites.

However, I want to read slower. I want to know what I’m reading. I want to read only the things that I want. I wish there is an editor out there who will know exactly what I like to read. Unfortunately, I can’t afford such an editor, even if she exists. I’m not sure when technology will provide a TIVO for reading materials. So I did the next best thing. I ruthlessly dump things that I don’t like reading.

I have been going through my reading list constantly, in fact, everytime I am reading, I am editing my reads. If after a while I don’t like what I’m reading, I will unsubscribe from my feed. If after a while, I always skim through the articles, maybe because of length or content or style, I will unsubscribe. I maintain this constant editing mode while reading articles online. This has enabled me to keep my reading plate to a minimum, and allow me to read only what I like to read, without feeling the pressure that I have to “finish reading” the newspaper.

I don’t like the feeling of a forever full inbox of articles to read. I don’t like the feeling of going through the motions of skimming through them only to find out that I ignore them most of the time anyway. So I am ruthless with my readings now. I think I’m getting more ruthless everyday. I gain speed reading by doing speed dumping. I find that absolutely refreshing.

p/s: This only works for writings sent by magic (a.k.a. RSS) through the world wide web. You can’t actually dump individual writings in a traditional media e.g. newspaper or books. Of course, you can always dump the traditional media altogether, go e-everything…

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I’ve never thought of arguing and fighting can be different. It is only recently that I realise the distinction, and that my interpretation of using Tai Chi is more of arguing than of fighting.

I have been doing Push Hands for 2 years now, once almost every week. I see push hands as an argument between two person. The best person wins by winning both the opponent and himself. I don’t see the point in fighting. I don’t see the need to win the other person by pushing the person down on the floor. I can do that everyday, most of the time, injuring myself in the process, without going through the motions of push hands. I would rather win by argument. There is chance of a win-win in an argument. There is no chance of a win-win in fighting. By fighting,  the best fighter wins with the first strike, thus incapacitating the opponent. The best argument does not break the opponent’s neck. The opponent can create a totally different argument to counter the best argument. The opponent can change the level of the argument thus trying to win by logic, change the intensity of the argument i.e. trying to win by emotion, or change the process of the argument when trying to win by his own character.

An argument can be won by all these three components, logic, emotion and character. In the context of push hands, the logic part will be technique. The emotion part will be anger (or the lack of anger actually, i.e. composure). The character part would be compassion and honesty. Understand these three components in you, and you will be able to see your own strengths and weaknesses in push hands. Capitalise on your strengths. Build around your weakness. You will see a better fighter in you, or a more persuasive fighter.

Now, I have still got a long way to go when it comes to arguing with the wife. Maybe my understanding will eventually extend to that level. For now, I’m just happy she’s on my side. She is really an instinctive arguer…

p/s: inspired from the book by Jay Heinrichs titled Thank You for Arguing – What Aristotle, Eminem and Homer Simpson can teach us about the art of persuasion.

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Sometimes, our journey within brings us to question the very pond we are in. Have we chosen the right pond? Is the pond the right size? Is the pond the right depth? Is it in the right location? Does it taste right? Do the fishes in there accept your being in the pond? Do the humans accept you in the pond? Do they want to fish you out the minute they get the chance, or do they just want to admire you being in the pond?

Let’s do this on a scale I can articulate better. Let’s put a label on this pond, say Tai Chi.

Now, when you learn Tai Ji, what do you expect out of it? Do you expect to meet people? Do you expect to learn a martial art? Do you expect an expert teacher who will give you all the attention that you want? Do you expect a welcoming party? Do you expect a large space for you to practise whenever you want? Do you expect to be a master some day? Do you expect to teach some day? Do you expect to get your questions answered straightaway? Do you expect it to be easy? Do you expect it to cure cancer?

These may not be your most immediate questions as you start out on a quest like learning Tai Ji. Your most immediate concern is probably what time is the class and what do you have to wear. Your following questions might be “what is the teacher like?” or “what are the students like?”.

After a while, when the journey within begins, you will start to realise what you have gotten yourself into. You will slowly realise why you took up Tai Chi in the first place. You begin to form an opinion about Tai Chi and you. You begin to understand the relationship between Tai Chi and you. You know Tai Chi better as you progress into the art, whichever direction you have chosen. And through Tai Chi, you will also start to understand what kind of person you are. And then, the ultimate question is – is Tai Chi suitable for you?

A thing like Tai Chi can be suited to you in a lot of ways. In a way, you can shape Tai Chi to be suitable to you. You can learn it for the health benefits. You can learn it for the social benefits. You can learn the martial aspects of it. You can learn the teaching aspects of it. You can learn the calming effects. Or you can simply learn to appreciate what it represents rather than what you can do with it.

There are many reasons for learning. It depends on how you define learning for you. The thing is, you have to choose a level that is suitable for you. You have to choose the league that is suitable to you. You have to choose the depth that you wish to learn. You have to choose the breadth that you want to learn.

Without making these conscious choices, you might forever be in a pond that is unsuitable. You will forever struggle in this pond, both physically and mentally. Imagine a beginner who sets out to be a Tai Chi master, or a student who sets out to be a teacher. Conventional wisdom will treat this as admirable goals, goals that are worthwhile because without goals, we seem to be lost.

Where goals are certainly admirable, shooting too far is probably more detrimental to attaining those goals.

We need to choose a pond that we can grow into our goals. We need to choose a pond where we can thrive. We cannot achieve our goals if the medium to achieving it is not suitable, sometimes even fatal.

I’m not trying to make excuses here to say that we shouldn’t aim to be the master of our trade. All I’m saying is to make the pond work for you. You don’t want to be drowning. You want to be swimming. You may choose to swim fast. Others may choose to swim slow. Some may just want to stay afloat. But nobody wants to drown. If you find yourself drowning, it’s time for a new pond, before it’s too late.

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I remember my first day at my very first kung fu class. I have to buy a kung fu top, a pair of kung fu pants, and a kung fu belt to hold up the pants. It’s all in 2 shades of blue. Dark blue for the belt and the collar, light blue for everything else. Luckily, i didn’t have to buy the shoes. We just wore the normal school shoes. I was 10.

Fast forward to today, I just slip on a T shirt, a track bottom, and a pair of flat soles for my Tai Chi class. For my own practice, I don’t even bother with the track bottom and the flat soles. I just go out with the shorts I happen to wear that day, and sometimes go bare-footed.

You might want to consider what to wear when doing Tai ji. But more importantly, you might want to consider what to BUY when doing Tai Ji.

You might want to buy the pair of Addidas shoes, you might want to buy the Nike track bottoms, you might want to get the bag for your sword, you might want to get the sword itself – custom made, no less. You might want to get the sun screen for when you are practising hard under the afternoon sun. You might want to get the mosquito repellent for when you practise at dawn or at dusk.

You might want to get a lot of things, but the main thing to get, is to get how badly you want to learn Tai Chi. You can always buy those things later. I think Charles says it best in his post here:

If you want to buy something, there will be someone willing to sell it to you.

It is as straightforward as that.

So don’t worry about not getting the best stuff, or buying the right stuff. If you want to buy stuff, stuff will find you. If you want to learn stuff, stuff will not help you learn. You have to learn it yourself. Buying is easy, learning is hard. Learn first, you can always buy later.

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I have lost a few articles because of some server problems from my website host. I have been trying to contact them but no reply so far. I guess I will be switching host soon, but not soon enough because there is another half a year to go (I think). So if you know a good reliable host, please let me know.

I will be reposting some old articles, but I did lose one entirely. I have used Wordpress as my backup, but didn’t backup diligently enough to maintain an offline copy. Most of the time, I just write on a simple Text software (to avoid distractions) and delete it immediately once I have published the article. This has given me tremendous power to focus on just writing the article itself, without getting distracted on what pictures to go with it, what font it should be, what links to go with it, facebook, emails etc. I can’t recommend this enough if you want total distraction free writing. Just choose the simplest text editor program. Don’t even bother with Microsoft Word. Notepad on Windows and TextEdit on Mac would do just fine.

However, now I come to a dilemma of not having an offline version. I thought of using my Journal to draft my writings first before posting, but I didn’t want to go through the hassle of setting this up on my journal. I love the simplicity of having nothing else but blank space in front of me while I fill it with words. Editing can come later.

This was one of the major lessons from Nanowrimo. I did not have time to do any editing at all. So I just write. And boy did I write. There are times when I was really tired, and words still came out, although I didn’t recognise what I was writing at all. I was in between the sleep and wake state of mind. This was what I wrote:

One day, I pushed a woman accidentally, but the tribe push trough the love camp and came back to sit and explore. They seem to possess the power of healing. They seem to be able to make sure that none of us is her match, and our main source of fuel is armed in the peoples’ latest receipt.

If you are able to decipher this, let me know.

For Nanowrimo, because I was writing everywhere (physically), I chose Google Document as my platform. You can choose to work offline for Google Docs as well if you have Google Gears installed. You can also “Hide Controls” which gives you a bigger screen estate as you write, the blank canvas that I was talking about.

Coming back to how to write on a reliable platform, I have gone back to using my Journal program. That is backed up on a weekly basis. At least now there is a version which is not linked or synchronised with any other platform. My dumping project has to do with technology as well, and I will be hunting for more stress free writing. I could always pick up a pen and paper. Hmmm… that’s a thought.

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I have struggled to be a good student. I am assisting my current teacher now, and at the same time learning how to be a good teacher. This made me realise that being a good student is more difficult than I thought!

Let’s see what a teacher has to go through for a typical class (of more than 1 student)

1. Arrive early before class

2. Teach students, and not student

3. Show, repeatedly

4. Test, repeatedly

5. Repeat 1 to 4 for the next class

A teacher has to arrive early to avoid any unforeseen delays that could potentially hold up a class e.g. traffic jam, long queue at the bank, baby doesn’t want to sleep, class room not available, bad weather etc. The teacher just cannot be late. Otherwise, the class doesn’t start.

A teacher has to teach all students, and not just one student. Even though the correction may appear to be correcting one student, the teaching has to be shown to all so that no one is left out, and the one being corrected doesn’t feel too incompetent.

A teacher has to show repeatedly, and make sure the student learns how to observe. The student will also need to be tested repeatedly, to make sure the student understands the movement. The understanding, however, needs to be up to the level of comprehension that the student can reasonably accept at that time. No more, no less.

And finally, the teacher has to prepare for the next class and repeat the first 4 steps.

Now, when being a student, it seems only reasonable for us to arrive early as well, to avoid unforeseen delays that could mean that you miss part of the class. You have made a promise to yourself to attend the class for 1 hour for the next 10 weeks. Might as well make the most of it. If you do need to miss a class, please call the teacher to let him know so that you don’t end up like me.

When a teacher is correcting someone, don’t assume that you know the correction already and that the teaching doesn’t apply to you. There are so many things to learn, especially from the basic moves. You will be really ignorant if you think you are superior to another student.

When a teacher is showing a move, observe observe observe. Look everywhere. Look at a specific action. Look at the whole action sequence. Look at the eyes. Look at the neck. Look at the legs. Look at the posture. Look at the quality. Don’t just stand there and admire. Look intently.

If you do get corrected in a group class, do not resist the correction. Ignore the eyes of the other students and listen closely to what the teacher is saying. Correct as much as you can. Make a mental note of the others that you can’t correct there, and use that as your reference every time you practise. You don’t need to stand corrected there and then. There is a time and place for everything. The classroom may not be the place.

As you leave the class, do remember to prepare for the next class as well. Practise practise practise.

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Try it. Be bold. Be specific. You might find out more about yourself. Plus, you can have fun too.

I am so relieved to have written 50,000 words in 30 days. I joined Nanowrimo 2009, and have just crossed the finishing line! In the midst of writing all these words, it actually germinated some ideas on the tools of journeying within. One of it is coming up with a fictional newspaper article.

I have heard of writing an eulogy for myself, before I die of course. It is a tool to discover what you really want yourself to be before you die. It is a strong and powerful tool, but sometimes, it may be just a little bit too morbid.

So I opted for a more light-hearted way to do this, and to restrict the timeline within a few years. You could of course stretch this to decades later, or reduce this further to tomorrow’s headlines. The idea, is to imagine.

Just imagine what a newspaper would report about youself. You have read plenty of newspaper articles before. Come up with a headline. Write a summary of what it is in the first paragraph. Write very specifically what it is that has happened and how has that changed you. Write a concluding paragraph as well.

I wrote something about myself in 6 years’ time, imagining that I am this successful investor. I wrote something specific about what has happened, i.e. buying a controlling stake in a company. The numbers may not actually buy a controlling stake of an airline company, but it is large enough to me that it makes little difference.

The key to this is to imagine a specific event that happens to you. This event is something that you would like to see yourself tomorrow, 3 days from now, 1 week from now, 1 month from now, a year from now, 5 years, 10 years, 20 years etc. By writing something specific, you create a very vivid picture about yourself. You create a very specific moment about yourself. This mental picture will help you to see within you what you actually want. This mental snapshot of the future will give you a polaroid photograph that you can see again and again to remind you of the the exact thing that you want to achieve in 5 years’ time (say).

Try it. Be bold. Be specific. You might find out more about yourself. Plus, you can have fun too.

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