The Journey Within

A week went by without much practice from my side. My poor performance shows when I turned up for class this morning. It wasn’t a total loss, as today, my lesson was on psychology.

Today, I learned to journey within other people through their Tai Chi form. The obvious example I can think of is the one all of us can relate to – doing a stiff form. It means you are not relaxed enough. For a beginner, this is common as you are not used to moving in a certain way, similar to learning anything new.

For someone more experienced, your own characteristics will start to show. There is a certain quality that defines every one’s form and ultimately, their character. Moving stiffly after years of training may mean stubborness. If you keep getting the same feedback from the teacher, it means that you have not moved on. You are still stuck in your old ways which you think is correct. This unwillingness to change will show up in your form, especially if you are doing the same thing over and over again. If you try to notice, or ask your family, you will notice the same thing happening in your family life as well.

Sometimes, when you start showing improvement in your form, it is an improvement in the wrong direction. For example, you might think that holding a lower stance is good, when your lower stance is forced through. Even after this was pointed out to you, you still think that this looks good on you. This has the characteristics of focusing on the superficial. It will show up in your work as well, like focusing on 3-dimensional pie charts and animation in your presentations…

If you use a lot of strength in your form, there is a tendency for aggresiveness. Again, this shows up when you deal with others, whether in your social life, your work life, or in any aspect of your life in general. You just like to be a big bully.

This is all very interesting, but the point of all these? To find out more about myself.

Our journeys are intertwined. And if our journeys crossed each other, chances are, there are plenty to learn for each of us. I do not pretend to know how the universe works by bringing you to read this article at this moment, or why doing Tai Chi led me to write this, or what am I having for dinner. But I do know this. Chances can be turned into opportunities, only we if we capitalise on it.

A Tai Chi lesson? A psychology lesson? A lesson in life? You decide.

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Shifting my weight from left to right is not much of a problem, until Tai Chi comes and muddle things up. Practising Tai Ji slowly brings me acutely aware of how this shift happens. I’ve always thought that as you shift, one foot will be pushing off to lead to another foot. It’s like how a boxer power his punches – from the back foot all the way to the fist with a twist of the body. Recently, I realise this “push off” creates tension. It creates a “lift” before settling down. This lift will then be cause for a skilled person to uproot you, if this person can sense your shift.

A Tai Chi’s shift of weight seems to be more subtle than that. It requires us to be more rooted than before DURING the shifting of weight. It’s like the two legs are connected, and the weight flows from one foot into the other just like water flowing from one end of a hose to the other end.

I can only put down in words of the theory of shifting weights. For a sense of HOW it’s actually done, take a look at Chen Xiao Wang’s clip of his punch.

I’ve seen this a few times and noticed that his punch is so relaxed that even the legs are relaxed. The legs expanded out during the punch just like how the punch expanded out. it wasn’t actually a punch. It was an expansion of a field of force. In this case it just so happen that it ended with a punch.

All these do sound a bit airy. I would rather have some concrete way to practise this, like punching a sandbag 100 times. But that’s the thing about Tai Chi. It forces you to sense where you’re going wrong. It forces a change in you so that you go in the direction of “the way”. We are learning to be like a sculptor of our own mind and body. We chisel away the unnecessary to leave what’s most essential. The only way to do that seems to be working hard and working smart. Always sensing what’s not right and try to improve it.

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I’m so excited to bring you the following story. It represents the power of journeying within. When you’re honest with yourself, the answers you find about yourself may even surprise you. Here’s a guest post from Prata Princess. – Shang Lee

When I first left my country 5 years ago, I had just begun my Renaissance year. I was shaking off the lethargy of a failed long-term relationship and actively pursuing promises of a life which would allow me to truly and fully be me. I had been living a life based on others’ expectations and was now looking forward to allowing myself to truly shine!

My first country-stop was such a blessing. I didn’t have to edit myself or have to consider anyone else’s needs before my own. I lived it up, truly, madly and as insanely as I could. I discovered what I liked and what I didn’t. I could chart my future without having to fear that it was selfish or unacceptable. I became the mistress of my own household, the captain of my own ship. I freaking bloomed! It was truly my Renaissance period.

Now I find myself at another period of immense growth. Being mortally afraid of stagnation (seriously!) and after professionally surviving the post-apocalyptic events of the financial meltdown, I sought new experiences to spur my personal development.

Armed with plenty of optimism, tempered by the experiences of the past 5 years, I decided to do the unthinkable and allow work to take a backseat and just go for my wildest dreams.  The result: my 9 month sabbatical. My motto: Live life! And so here I am trudging my way through Europe, reuniting with old friends, making new ones, and catching planes, trains, trams and boats.

It is strange that in disconnecting with my professional reality, I am connecting more closely to my joyful self. Of course that’s a no brainer. Anyone on holiday would be joyful! But now I find myself tuning in to a radio station of my own thoughts without static or interference. In connecting with myself, I found a surprising bonus: the ability to connect more deeply with someone else.

The universe, in it’s infinite kindness and generosity has seen fit to provide me with that one person who I can be myself – totally. He has been a witness to my life and has always been there. He has allowed me to be myself and even allowed me to take my time to come to my senses! To him who makes me happy: Thank you for all the stories and I am excited to see what new chapters we can come up with together!

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After looking long and hard, and with the help of a few friendly people (you know who you are!), I’ve finally decided to realign my blog with… well, it’s with what I’ve been writing actually. It was difficult to find the one string that threads all the post, the one ring that rules them all. I believe I’ve found it. It’s been my focus all along and for a long time. I’ve just not been looking at it the right way.

The following is a guiding philosophy for this blog. I’ve even dedicated a page for it, a page where new (or regulars!) can go and understand what this blog is all about. I’ve copied it word for word here. The Begin Journey page may be updated once in a while to maintain the freshness of the content, but the philosophy remains. I hope you embark on your own journey within. It’s everywhere!

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Every journey begins with the first step. And every step may carve out a new journey.

I think we all started our Journey Within us a long time ago, probably as early as when we were born! We struggle to open our eyes, we struggle to crawl, to stand up, to walk… At each instant of struggle, we took a look at ourselves and instinctively understood why we fall, and we try again until we got it.

Somehow, as we grow older, we stop taking this Journey. We stop reflecting on our actions. We stop looking at what we’re actually doing and do the things we do blindly.

I want to remind us in my own small way that the Journey Within is worth it. I want to remind ourselves that we can take this Journey anytime we choose to. The trigger is everywhere! We only need to know where to look. We need to look not just with our eyes, but with all the senses that we have. We also need to look at the things that’s not there rather than just seeing the things that are right in front of us.

The Journey Within also has other names. It’s been called soul-searching, meditation, reflection, career break, self discovery, contemplation, introspection, sabbatical…

Whatever label it has been given, it is a chance to know yourself, a chance to find yourself amidst the routine, amidst the chaos. I’ll be blogging on this Journey, and hopefully, helping you find your own Journey.

The Journey can start anywhere. It can start with a simple greeting like “How are you?“. It can start with a regular thing you do like when you have to choose a washing machine,  get a haircut, or adopt a new tooth. You can find interesting observations in something you see everyday as well like water, or something you hear everyday like noise. It may be something you use everyday like chopsticks, or something as simple as bookmarks (one of my favourites!). It can also be from an activity like hiking up a mountain. It can even be from the space around you.

Of course, you can find the Journey by reading self-help books, but please remember, this is a Journey Within yourself. Self-help books can only help, the rest is up to you.

So join me in this Journey. You’ll be surprised with what you find.

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It’s not the best environment for doing Tai Ji when you have kids circling you in their roller blades or playing football around you. One of these kids actually approached me when I was doing Tai Chi in a public park. The kid said “you do this very well”. Not the opener I was expecting. I said “thanks”.

I went on with my practice, and the kid must have been waiting for me to finish. It took me around 20 minutes to finish my Tai Ji form, and then the kid approached me again almost immediately.

him: Can you teach me?

me: Have you don’t any of this before? do you know what I’m doing?

him: I’ve learnt Karate before.

me: Show me.

he then proceeded with a few “hee yah”, some parries, some blocks, some kicks etc.

I told him this is Tai Ji. It’s very soft. I let him push my hand a little, and I showed him how I use very little strength to make him fall. He was genuinely surprised. I was genuinely surprised by his surprise. I don’t know if he realises the significance of what i’ve just shown him. But hey, there’s no need for more words. I just reminded him that it’s soft. To do Tai Chi, you have to be soft.

Then I showed him “the beginning” (起式), and asked him to watch. He followed, a bit clumsily, but he followed, enthusiastically I might add. Then I asked him to watch again, and asked him if he noticed any difference between what I did and what he was doing. He said I sat lower. So I asked him to try. He did. Then I did it again, and ask him to observe any more differences. He watched. He struggled this time to say anything further. I then asked him to do it again, and corrected a bit. I motioned him to relax his fingers, his wrist, his shoulders. Then he realised what I was saying and tried to relax. Initially, he was doing it a bit like a break dance. After a while, he really tried to relax. I told him the hand cannot be limp. I don’t know how to explain intention. I told him not to use muscles, but to “think” that a force is in the hands, then it’ll be there. I’m not sure if he understood. He’s 9.

I’m 3 times his age, and I can’t claim I fully understand either. But he seems enthusiastic enough. Even came down for Round 2 after seeking his mum’s permission, although I’m not too sure what he told his mum… learning some martial art from some strange guy in a public park?

He seems to feel tired when I noticed his legs started wobbling. I told him not to sit too much to avoid hurting his knee. I told him if it’s painful, it means you’re doing something wrong. So I asked him to rest. Kick the leg about, walk around. We talked a bit, where he’s from, how old is he, when i’ll be around again…

All these started apparently when he noticed that I smile. He said his karate teacher doesn’t smile. I do. I wonder if there is something lost when people don’t smile. Do they not enjoy what they’re doing?

Do they feel the need to appear serious when doing something serious?

I don’t think I was wearing a silly grin. It’s probably closer to an inner smile. But if a karate kid can spot it, anyone can. Try wearing the smile. You are already doing something serious. That doesn’t mean you can’t smile.

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Never thought that the head can be important in the balance of the body. I’m not talking about what’s actually stored in the brain. I’m talking about the physical position and the weight of the head itself.

I was having my usual Tai Ji class this morning, and while doing a balancing act on one leg, my teacher suggested that I tilt my head a little. While I couldn’t get a good ground grip while standing on one leg and waving my hands from one side to the other, the mere tilt gave me enough balance to maintain the dynamic movement.

The main point of this tilt is a concept called “maintaining the core” (守中). The concept of maintaining the core is to maintain the balance, and the balance is achieved if there’s a core to fall back on. The obvious core in Tai Ji stances is the imaginary line lining up the top of your head to your centre of gravity. If this line is crooked, your balance will be affected.

It sounds obvious once it’s laid out like that, but when doing it, I never suspected that my head was tilting. I don’t think you can tell from afar. The adjustment I made was very slight, but sufficient to tilt the balance in my favour. I think my observation of small points making a big difference could well be true throughout the whole body.

My teacher eventually tied this up to how we lead our lives. As we move forward in our lives, maintaining our core is important, so that we maintain a balanced mind, and not be swayed sideways by distractions or dark alleys. My morning session turned into a philosophy in life.

p/s: A note to readers who are practising Tai Chi, a common habit for us is to look at our feet, to check for alignment. This is another example of head tilting and if possible, try not to do this right from the start. Feel with your internal senses rather than checking with your eyes. A mirror would be a better alternative. A video camera would do as well if you have one, and get someone to tape you, someone preferably who knows what you’re doing and where you’re going while you practise your form.

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I’ve finally processed everything in my inbox! Ahead of schedule I might add… Well, things will keep coming in, but I do hope the inbox will stay that way. I’m still left with action items, things I know I need to do e.g. reply an email, review an article, watch a video, download photos etc. But I already know exactly what to do with them, so they don’t clog up the mind too much. Still, these actions have been scheduled in. I’m aiming to do just 5 action items a day. It should be a small enough target to achieve.

Is my mind any clearer? Well… right now I can see what has been clogging up my mind. I’ve got too many personal projects running around. So, Project Dumping will include removing some of them as well, and leave those that are most important to me, or those which I derive most satisfaction.

Also, my google reader has got too many subscriptions. I spend my time scrolling through most of them, and skipping those who feed only summaries (no offense to those who feed summaries, just makes it a bit harder to read, especially on the phone). Project Dumping will be extended there as well. It’s important to feed the mind only the good stuff, so that the mind will churn out only the good stuff. Of course, sometimes, we have to go through fluff to understand what is the good stuff, like looking for a good teacher. I’ve spent 10 years learning Tai Chi to know that I was only doing Tai Chi aerobics… I guess I could spare some time reading fluff to make my mind filter reading materials more efficiently.

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I use to admire people who can express their feelings and emotions through art, whether this is through songs, music, dance, martial art, sports, words etc. I like the control they show when releasing their emotions in whatever art form they choose. Now, I think the performing mind may be counter-productive to learning.

During performance, there could be 1001 things that may float through the mind. Well, during practice, other 1001 things may invade the thoughts as well, but there’s an added pressure when performing. Depending on the audience, we may think about the steps, the rhythm, the stage, the props, how the audience will think, will they like it, will the judges like it etc. All these thoughts will ultimately affect your performance.

I remember my first private lesson with my teacher, and it felt horrible. I was too eager to look good, and I eventually forgot my steps.

Similarly, during our push hands class, I do find some people trying to look good in front of others. To appear to be the more capable one, by landing someone on the floor or to the wall, like this guy over here. I find I learn more from people who does this, but doing it myself hinders my own quest to “search for the truth”.

When there’s an opportunity to perform in front of others, whether formally (like a competition or a stage performance), or informally (e.g. during group practice sessions), it’s useful as a focus for your own personal practice sessions. I found many people take part in competitions solely to force themselves to practise more, like a runner signing up for marathon so that he’ll run more.

While that may be a good thing, during the performance itself, the performing mind needs to be parked aside. You’re no longer performing. You’re doing what you can at that time. Never mind the audience, never mind the judges, never mind the students, never mind the teacher. Perform the truth, and the art will flow. Other things will take care of itself. If it’s not your time, it’s not your time. Do enjoy yourself when performing. Do enjoy yourself when practising too. It may be the only time you’re truthful to yourself.

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How to stand?

We get asked this from beginners quite a lot. Often, they’ll stumble about, and try to mimic what we’re doing. And then some may ask. Others, we’ll have to volunteer the information.

The truth is, I don’t even know the proper / correct way to stand. I think the general idea is there. I used to think that the standard rules apply e.g. you should stand shoulder width apart when beginning. And for bow stances (that’s where one leg has more of the weight and is more crooked than the other leg), the feet will form a sort of ‘L’ shape with plenty of space in between the feet (as much space as your leg can take).

Nowadays, I don’t try to tell the standard rule, if it’s at all standard. I let the person decide. I have seen different people standing differently. I think the stand is meant to be different for different people depending on the body structure, the weight, the flexibility. I think we still need to train to our own specifications. So my question is normally,

how do you feel?

And if the student is feeling uncomfortable, i would say:

why don’t you try this?

“This” can be one of the following – relax the kua, relax the knees, relax the ankles, point your feet a little bit more inwards / outwards, shift your weight a little more to the left / right, keep your body straight, point your knees a little bit more inwards / outwards, keep your head straight, relax the neck, relax the shoulders etc etc etc…

I find this easier than handing out a standard prescription like “you must stand like me”. Suggesting minor corrections (1 or 2 would be more than sufficient) is easier to swallow for the student, because it’s still a suggestion. It’s better for the student, because he/she will need to think and feel around to see what works, and hence able to actually learn something rather than being spoon-fed.

How would you approach such a question?

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Some of you may have heard of the “fable” where Yang Lu Chan “stole” the Tai Ji secrets from the Chen family. I went to such a class which is supposedly “the class with the secrets”.

Nah. I don’t think my teacher is one of those that keeps secrets, either that or I wouldn’t know any better even if he does! But I think he’s trying hard to teach us as much as he can, or as much as we can absorb, so that his teachings are not lost. Let’s face it. Age will catch up with us whether we like it or not. It’s just that none of us could “get” his teachings yet. We can only try.

Seeing what he’s teaching in this class, I feel like I had the most instructions. It’s not because I’m better, or that the teacher favours me. It’s the private lessons I am getting. I don’t think I’m getting the most from these private lessons because I’m not “getting it” fast enough.

However, I don’t think I want to stop the private lessons either. Previously, I didn’t have a reference point. I don’t know how I’m doing compared to the others. I don’t know to what extent have I understood things. So much so that at times, I wanted to quit private lessons and go for group classes again, as I think I’m not getting the full benefit of these lessons (fault on my part rather than the teacher’s). It’s only when “performing” with the other students, I’m learning to see what my teacher has been correcting me, which is a lot. He gets into the mistakes before it becomes a habit of mine. Whether I internalise the correction is another matter… I need to work harder…

The main point is this – if time and money permits, do go for private lessons. However, don’t forget to go for group lessons either, as you ultimately have to interact with the world. Group lessons are there to keep you in check.

A bit about the “secret class”, we focused only on the “rise” – the universal starting point of all Tai Ji forms where the 2 arms rise up to greet the shoulders and slide back home where it all began. I did this for almost an hour. Imagine that!  The opening of the foot into shoulder width, the rising of the arms, the lengthening of the arms, the sliding back, the standing up, the closing of the left foot to meet the right foot… over and over again…

Then I practised Sun style with a fellow student. It was good to be practising with someone else again. The focus is not so much on my own self anymore. There’s diverted attention. Less pressure. Then 3 of us did the fast form. It was a fun night. I will go back again.

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