learning less everyday
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I’ve never thought of arguing and fighting can be different. It is only recently that I realise the distinction, and that my interpretation of using Tai Chi is more of arguing than of fighting.
I have been doing Push Hands for 2 years now, once almost every week. I see push hands as an argument between two person. The best person wins by winning both the opponent and himself. I don’t see the point in fighting. I don’t see the need to win the other person by pushing the person down on the floor. I can do that everyday, most of the time, injuring myself in the process, without going through the motions of push hands. I would rather win by argument. There is chance of a win-win in an argument. There is no chance of a win-win in fighting. By fighting, the best fighter wins with the first strike, thus incapacitating the opponent. The best argument does not break the opponent’s neck. The opponent can create a totally different argument to counter the best argument. The opponent can change the level of the argument thus trying to win by logic, change the intensity of the argument i.e. trying to win by emotion, or change the process of the argument when trying to win by his own character.
An argument can be won by all these three components, logic, emotion and character. In the context of push hands, the logic part will be technique. The emotion part will be anger (or the lack of anger actually, i.e. composure). The character part would be compassion and honesty. Understand these three components in you, and you will be able to see your own strengths and weaknesses in push hands. Capitalise on your strengths. Build around your weakness. You will see a better fighter in you, or a more persuasive fighter.
Now, I have still got a long way to go when it comes to arguing with the wife. Maybe my understanding will eventually extend to that level. For now, I’m just happy she’s on my side. She is really an instinctive arguer… 
p/s: inspired from the book by Jay Heinrichs titled Thank You for Arguing – What Aristotle, Eminem and Homer Simpson can teach us about the art of persuasion.
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Do you write an email to your colleague who’s sitting right next to you? Would you rather email a person to negotiate a deal? How many times do you play email tennis until you decide to pick up the phone to call the person?
I’m an office bound worker, and my work requires me to deal with emails on a regular basis. It can take up at least 20% of my time just to clear my emails, more if I get a lot of email farts. I’ve adopted a Getting Things Done (GTD) system to process my emails, which many have written about e.g. this article on Inbox Zero: What’s the action here?.
So I’ll not venture into GTD on emails today, but will talk about putting into context the conversation that’s being done through emails.
I find it amusing and sometimes rather annoyed by someone who had to email a person who’s sitting just 2 tables away. I’m also annoyed if an issue takes more than 3 emails to resolve but still no meeting/phone call to discuss. So I’m taking this chance to rant, and hopefully there’s some light at the end of the rant.
Email tennis (3-email rule)
This is one where 2 people (normally just 2 but it can be more), who bounces the email through and fro, with a rally time that will put Wimbledon to shame. Wimbledon has a start and an end, email tennis do not seem to have an end. It depends on whose ego dissolves first.
Instead of playing email tennis, adopt a 3-email rule - if it can’t be resolved by the third email (one initiation email, one reply, and one confirmation email), call the person, and follow up with an email noting down what you’ve agreed upon. This will save a lot of email estate on your inbox, and will probably save a lot of headaches too, not to mention the amount of cursing at the screen, which makes us look like an idiot swearing at the computer screen.
Just talk to your neighbour
Promoting neighbourhood friendliness seems like a thing of the past, but it does and still exist. Always talk to the person next to you, around you, on the same floor, anyone whose path meets yours. Please do not email the person next to you. It’s silly, unless you’ve got something to hide, which makes it sillier because emails are not private. You must have heard of some scandal where an email is leaked right? So, please, talk to your neighbour.
Dealing with strangers
For people I don’t know, or have never come across, I would give them a call first to introduce myself before starting an email conversation with the person. This at least places a voice to the email. I would also try to meet the person if possible, so that I can place a face to the name I’ve spoken to. We may not have the luxury to do this all the time, but for people who you need to work closely, it’s essential to meet the person at least once.
Dealing with friend-of-friend
It’ll be good if your friend/colleague provide an introductory email, just to say something to the effect that “Hi John, this is Shang Lee. He’s no expert in emails, but he can help you in this matter.” You may then follow up the introductory email with another email to say “thanks, how may I help” or better still, give John your number so that he can call you or you can initiate the call if it’s important to you.
Why should I call him?
DO NOT rationalise on this question. There’s never an answer. Once you put this thought into your mind, the conversation will never start. Your mind is made up of better things, so don’t poison it with this question. Just make the phone call.
Write as if you’re talking to that person
I’m always perplexed by people who uses language to seem more “professional”. I just do not understand what does that mean. If nobody understands your email, you’ll end up looking like a professional who’s trying too hard to be like a professional, whatever that means. Keep your email simple, in a simple language. Write it as if you’re talking to the person, which is why a phone call will set the tone of your conversational emails with that person.
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I recently attended a “leadership” course, where you’re asked to play games in a group setting to demonstrate your leadership, or the lack of it, in a controlled environment. We navigated a small island with a “hot-from-the-oven” navigation skills and a 20-years-old topographical map.
I actually enjoyed the navigation part as it brought me out to the great outdoors. Disappointed in a way because the great outdoors had too much man-made structures that reminded me of the great indoors…
Anyway, at the end of the session, we had to provide feedback to one another about how each of us fared in our leadership abilities. I wrote down my feedback for others quite quickly but when giving it to the actual person, there was actually some fear. I only wrote down what I intend to say to the person because as the instructor said, feedback comes from the heart. It’s something you want others to hear, both the good and bad.
I still wanted to say what I wrote, without a doubt, but I was surprised by the fear when actually delivering it. Then I read a book about teaching (by Parker Palmer) which made me realised what’s going on.
When giving feedback, we need to ask ourselves if the other person can take what we are trying to say. We need to ask ourselves if our relationship with the other person is strong enough for both of us to be comfortable to share what will be said. I believe the answer to this question is a resounding no, after a 3-hours trip on an island.
It takes time to build that level of trust.
The push hands class that I go to regularly is trying to build that level of trust. Every time we push with each other, we are trying to learn about one another based on each other’s feedback. The feedback comes slowly as time passes, as we learn more about our opponents and more importantly, more about ourselves. Slowly, we began to share our experiences and tell each other where did we go wrong and how to improve. We then experiment with different techniques or try to work out a good strategy to avoid or make the best out of a bad position.
Truth seems to have the connotation of always being painful. I think if we link with one another with trust first, the truth will be less painful and more fruitful. We need to trust our teachers first before we can learn from our teachers. This is where real learning begins, and then our teachers will seem to appear out of nowhere, and in abundance.
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Out of the 100 rounds of push hands I did, I “felt” 2 follows and 0 borrows. And realised the distinction between them.
When pushing hands, the message is always to “listen” to the intent of the force, but feeling it with your hands. If you know the intent of the force, you will know where it is going and how can you make that information work to your advantage. The marketing lingo got this right – you have to always listen to your customers.
After listening to your customers, of course, you’ll have to follow through with action. This is I believe the next step when you’re able to listen, that is to follow. A customer comes to you, you listen to the customer, let the customer say what he has to say to you. Let him finish his words until he finally feels understood. When true understanding happens, only then a true follow up action can be executed based on the customer.
Similarly in push hands, a hand comes to you, you listen to the hand, let it go where it has to go until it can go no further, then it’ll retreat on its own. This is when you follow the hand, and it normally leads you to find out the weak point of your opponent, providing you a true insight into the balance of your opponent. You find out where his balance lies, and you know where you can unbalance him and to what extent.
This is – follow.
To amplify the imbalance you’re trying to cause to your opponent, you’ll need slightly more strength. You can use brute force, which will make yourself unbalanced, or you can connect with the strength of your opponent, and use his strength to assist you in causing his imbalance.
This is – borrow.
To follow and to borrow. If only I realise this sooner, but then again, I wouldn’t know what I know now if I hadn’t been through what I didn’t know! I guess, even in practice, I have to follow through all those movements, before I could borrow that understanding to use it in application.
p/s: I need to improve this “2 nil” score to gain a better understanding of this rather than more words, so back to more practice!
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In push hands, one of my teacher’s favourite quote is to tell us not to push your partner into oblivion.
Push 70% and leave 30% for yourself (逼人七分，留三分给自己）
I’ve unconsciously recorded this in my mind, only to realise I like the quote because I used it in my teaching as well!
The reason he gave? If you push all the way, there is no turning back. You force your partner into a position where he’ll get hurt and that’s not good. You’ll hurt his body as well as his ego, especially if you do this umpteen times. It’s also less of a learning opportunity for both if all you do is push the guy away. Most importantly, it’s for safety.
The Book of Five Rings
the fighting instinct is greatest when an animal is cornered with no place to run
Similarly, when cornered into an apparently no win situation, our survival instinct would mean us using all means necessary to lift ourselves away from such position. You could argue that this brings out the best in you, but to what extent are you willing to do this? Hurting the partner? Hurting yourself? Doing something you’ll regret later?
This quote recently surfaced again when there was some verbal abuse going on at work. We don’t need to fight all the way. We can choose to leave some retreating ground for the “opponent”. It should be enough to show the opponent that no further fight is needed, but not too much to show your opponent who’s boss, tempting the person to come back with a revengeful heart.
Of course, all this is well and good in theory. In the heat of the moment, the compassion may not shine through and leads to a lose-lose-lose situation – you lose the respect from your opponent, you lose the lesson, and most importantly, you lose control of yourself and gave in to circumstances.
A compassionate teacher always loses, but is the lost worth it? Are you willing to win to lose yourself, or lose to win yourself? Or is there a third way? I think by not forcing your opponent all the way, you win your opponent, win the lesson and win yourself. Why choose any other way?
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“How are you?”
A very simple question, with a variety of answers you can choose from, but somehow, we stick to the familiar, like “i’m ok” or “good good” or “fine”. There’s no denying the convenience of picking from stock answers. It’s simple, it’s effective and it doesn’t draw you into a long drawn discussion about how bad your day has been, or how well your son has scored in the latest exams (we hate show offs!)
So why do we resort to stock answers when we can do much better? Why say “i’m ok” when you can say “i feel absolutely wonderful!”? Why say “i’m fine” when you actually meant “it’s been such a bad day…”?
For one, we’ve probably learnt from social conditioning that saying anything more than “i’m ok” is not socially acceptable, unless you’re delivering some good news which affects the person you’re talking to as well, like “we’re getting an extra day’s holiday because the boss just landed a big business!”. Try saying “i’m tired. I didn’t sleep well last night. The neighbour’s cat was howling all night. I just feel like strangling the cat but I didn’t think that will go down well with the neighbour. Not that I like the neighbour very much. She’s always complaining about how much she hates potted plants…”
We don’t like long sob stories. And yet we ask “how are you” expecting a very brief “I’m ok”. no wonder we’re conditioned to answer “I’m ok”. there’s no incentive to answer anything else! We don’t want to be socially unacceptable now do we?
Recently, I’m a bit fed up with answering “I’m ok”. i’m fed up with the monotony “i’m ok” suggests. I’m fed up that knowing I could answer much better than “i’m ok”, I still stick to my day-in day-out answer like “I’m ok”. Can we do better than “I’m ok”?
Since I don’t want to repeat (in words) the annoying things that happened during the day, the only option left is to choose more empowering statements to break the habit of saying “I’m ok”. Somehow, my brain has been wired to pick out the negative things that happened throughout the day than the positive ones. So, in a bid to change that, I am going to exaggerate the good things.
So instead of saying “I’m ok”, let’s try “i’m more than ok, I feel like I’m improving everyday with the challenges I face everyday!”. Ok, I have to admit, this 5-second sound bite reminds me of one of those self-help/motivational/inspirational statement that is trying to do a quick fix in mental health. I’m not proposing to use it for that quick-fix purpose. Instead, I propose to use it to break the pattern of monotony. Use it because I don’t want to use something as boring as “I’m ok”.
A quick search reveals some of the words that can be used after “I feel…”:
magic, vibrant, ecstatic, like soaring into the sky, powerful, invincible, serene, balanced…
So if you catch me saying “i’m ok” the next time, stop me right there! I’ll do better with the next statement. Or if you’re not prepared to receive those answers, be careful when you ask “How are you?” the next time. 
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Honest answers – an endangered species of the human vocabulary. It’s extinction among adults is probably just on the horizon, saved by the fact that human population is growing – more kids, more honest answers, until they grow up. Even kids tell lies.
So why do we find honest answers so difficult to come by? Or do you think you can distinguish between the honest ones and the lies? And why do people start their sentences with “Honestly speaking…”??!!!
The elusive honest answer. It’s close to being the proverbial “free lunch”, i.e. there is no such thing as an honest answer. Why does it visit us so rarely? Why does it restrict its visiting hours to the few seconds? Most of the time, it’s not even conveyed through words, but through the body that is speaking the words, a contradicting set of audio signals versus visual signals.
Somehow, growing up restricts our ability to give an honest answer. There’s probably that one time, where you thought you were being honest to a friend/colleague/family/relative/stranger, and “WHAM”, the backlash hit you so hard that you wouldn’t dare to give an honest answer again, not to that person anyway! So we start building TACT into how we convey messages. And socially, we are more acceptable and even welcomed, if we are TACTFUL.
Or you probably found out lies are a useful evolutionary tool. Look, even as kids we know that. Crying when you know that’s going to get you attention, or that chocolate chip cookie. There are also the white lies whose colour white makes it “ok” to tell them.
Honestly speaking (ha!), no matter how hard you try, honest answers are difficult to come by. And when they do, I’m not even sure we are ready to accept them, let alone listen to them in the first place. So, it’s us that actually block honest answers. We create the wall to fend off honest answers.
So, how do we get honest answers?
We could learn to listen and be more open minded. We could say to ourselves to accept whatever comments that will come our way. We could learn to keep quiet and reflect on the honest answers, when they’re given to us. But if you’re stubborn as I am, the WALL of DEFENCE will be erected just as soon as you hear the words “honestly speaking…”
Sometimes, the best solution is simply getting more answers from different people. The emphasis is on both MORE and DIFFERENT! If someone tells you you’re lazy, you can probably ignore it. If everyone in your family tells you you’re lazy, you probably could still ignore it, because they will have a same mindset, being exposed to your “laziness” when you’re at home. If your girlfriend tells you you’re lazy, now that’s DIFFERENT. If your classmates tell you you’re lazy, that’s “ok”. If your teacher tells you you’re lazy, now that’s DIFFERENT again. If someone in your basketball team tells you you’re lazy, again, a DIFFERENT answer. So you need MORE answers from DIFFERENT group of people. Only then you could get an honest feel of what you can improve on yourself.
It doesn’t really matter if you don’t care about other people’s honest answers. But to grow and improve ourselves, other people’s honest answers are an invaluable source of inspiration. Their answers may not be what you were looking for, but it could trigger other thoughts leading to what you were looking for in the first place!
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My dad used a very interesting analogy when bringing his phone to the repair shop. Because my dad couldn’t reproduce the fault, the repairman was not convinced that there was anything wrong with it. So my dad said:
“Look, I’ll only bring in the phone when it’s sick. If it’s not sick, why would I bring the phone to see the doctor?”
The repairman laughed and was suddenly more willing to make the necessary arrangements to take a look at the phone in detail. Humour works… only when used in the right context! Some may not find it funny, or even find it offensive, as there’s some sarcasm hidden in it. Different people, different sense of humour. But what I found most interesting, was the way we describe inanimate objects behaving like human.
A phone is… well just a phone. It doesn’t feel anything. It doesn’t cry. It doesn’t fall sick. It doesn’t feel happy at certain times and angry at other times. It doesn’t feel sleepy or sluggish in the afternoon after lunch. It doesn’t even take lunch. Yet we use these very terms to describe our phone.
Humanising the phone is helpful to describe the condition of the phone. We are more attuned to how the body feels, and hence we apply the same analogy when describing it to other people. It has a very immediate impact, just like how the repairman understood what my dad said. It also shows how intimate you are with your phone. The more personalised it is, the more you can’t live without your phone! So… how much do you love your phone?
When speaking or writing, we normally unconsciously adopt the same technique. Humanising an object or a situation helps to convey our message across more quickly and effectively. For example, I normally say “the atmosphere is tense” instead of “everyone in the room feels angry and upset but nobody is making a single sound”.
However, sometimes we require the opposite to make us feel better, or feel more in control of the situation. Like how the police will rattle off a report to his boss “accident at 0400 hours, one male aged 23 and one female aged 19, no fatal injury”. The police has effectively “mechanised” the way he speaks to his higher-ranking officer. This way of speaking provides a certain detachment to the current situation. Detachment is sometimes useful, especially when emotions are involved, like how a business mechanises the process of a funeral, mechanisation helps deal with death.
These are the tools we can choose to use whenever we need them. Humanisation or mechanisation. No one technique is more superior to the other. No one technique should be favoured over the other. We require both to function. We have the choice to call upon whichever that suits our particular situation. Just choose wisely.
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I always find it difficult to judge how much to talk about tai ji with non-tai ji folk or tai ji beginners. It’s ok if someone comes up to you and ask a specific question, like what comes after this step. The more difficult ones i’ve encountered are… can tai chi kill? Even the mere mention that tai ji is a martial art is sufficient to deter most people from doing tai ji! So what do you do? Depending on who you meet, will you actively try to bring tai ji into the conversation? Or will you withhold unless someone raised it first?
Push hands offers a very helpful solution. Let’s look at some of the common rules for push hands.
Now, can we translate this to how we tell others about tai ji? Let’s see…
This works when you’re telling others about something you feel passionate about as well. Common culprits are those who talk about politics and religion. They just don’t know when to stop. Maybe we should introduce tai ji as part of political science or religious studies. So, another reason to learn tai ji, the different theories packaged into tai ji is useful in real life!
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